Tear

I didn't think I still had anything left in me, because I had practiced so diligently at being stone... Void of emotions and feelings just a go hard, no nonsense type of brotha ... I really didn't care anymore and nothing seemed to matter.. U were gone, we were thru and it was done... so I shed a tear...

In the reality of this world we've created, men don't cry.. I mean, we walk through life as a blank canvas with no color or expression and nothing that moves the soul.. At least that's what I thought, its just simply what I was taught, you get hurt, you dust it off and you move on... Until you get the taste of that tear...

You knew that I knew... and in the midst of you not trying to hurt me, you ended up destroying me more, desecrating the concepts of friendship, loyalty and respect... What was that I really did again??? Over and over... cyclone funnels of drama, mess, lies, drama, mess ,lies.. Drama.. Mess.. Lies... Maybe it was all purposed, who knows? A directly calculated maneuver of repayment.. the result... just a single flesh burning tear...

I accepted my rage, I acknowledge my pain, but I loathed the contempt that was left floating like a cloudy film of oil over crystal clear water... I do take ownership for my mistakes... I mean, we've all got scars, from the shoulda, woulda, coulda's... But imagine acid slowing dripping into a wound you thought was healed, yea thats feeling.. It mimics me perfectly.... All I could do was watch the devastating crumble of me, when there were no tears..no pain.. It just endured... I, endured... until today...When I shockingly shed a tear...

See, its from the idea that through it all, we were supposed to be better.. You said you had my back,... you said you would be there.. You said.... You said.. Well you know what you said.... And ignorantly I believed you ... even after all of it.. I still believed you.. and That's why I cant loose this thing, that bore my tear... This.. this..this insane thing that I have to carry, when you knew all along what was really real... And you abused it.. You raped my state of mind..and left me emotionally naked and bleeding alone in this world... guess I deserved it huh.. I did make my heart readily available... but even when given the opportunity to do it the right way.. You did it this way.. Your way.. Always the low way... the only way.. Option never priority... and here I am left with a tear...

A symbolic remembrance of trying... struggling..accepting.. Overlooking..Pretending... and even loving... yea..ironic isn't it.. Still loving you... maybe it's the idea of it... wallowing in it, dancing in it.. Stepping boldly through it..

So, when gazing back at the strength of your own reflection.. I want you to vividly see the times when your eyes met mine... and see how much of you was in me and how I was in you... feel my embrace.. my breathe on your neck... Hear my laugh, remember your grin, taste our kiss and focus on that photo of us trapped in time... Because it's all those things I once had, that are nowcaptured by one tear... that's slowly searing its way down the curves of my face....

Who Knew Raheem so was handsome....????

I know that Homo aint Preaching....

In the spirit of keeping sunday a Holy day, I thought maybe today would be a great time to exercise this blog that has been resting in the back of my mind. Before I get into the meat of the subject let me first throw this disclaimer out there: " this blog in no way displays my personal feelings on this subject, nor is the intent to point finger at any one individual but rather give light and gather insight on the subject as a whole... Lastly, I am not out to attack, pass judgement or drag anyone through the mud... its your life and you do what you do..."
Now, with that said... I've noticed that there are two things quickly growing within the gay community...not that they weren't always there, it just seems now folks are getting bolder... what is that you may say..hmmmm.. Homosexual pastors, ministers, preachers...and to compound that issue, they are also married, in some cases with children...

I have always had a personal battle with religion and sexuality as many of you may already know, but this just blows my mind.. I understand that religious leaders are human too and I totally "get" that they fall short of the word of God... BUT when you assume a position of authority and leadership, especially in the church, shouldn't you be an example, of some sorts... ??? Shouldn't the way you live your life and conduct yourself be in such a way that people should look at you with respect???
I find it so unsettling that these men (especially in the black gay community) assume this position behind the pulpit every sunday spouting what the word of God says, and then later that same day, they are snuggled up with their man on the side while the wife and family is at home... I'm sorry folks but I personally have a problem with that...

So, I'm wondering how you feel about it? What if you found out your religious leader was living a double life? What if you found out he was sneaking around sleeping with men, parading around online deeply enveloping in the Gay life style??? Would it bother you? or would you celebrate the admission of his sexuality after the years of lies and deceit? Are we too accepting when it comes to "straight" men acknowledging their sexuality after making a mess of the lives if his wife and kids? Has it become ok, to marry, lead the church and be homosexual???
Talk to me folks and tell me whats on your mind?? I'm curious to know....

Simplee gets a Bentley for christmas....

Allow me to Introduce my son... Bentley... Man's best friend!

Usher Sings in the Rain....

Winter Warming... arent They are heating things up!

When I Came for Santa, this is what I said!

Dear Santa,

It's been a long year, I've seen a lot, I've done a lot (good and bad) and been through a lot. I know this is the time of year where kids send you a long ass list of stuff their parents cant afford... but I thought maybe you could hook a brotha up and grant a few Christmas wishes based on my experiences throughout this year...If you could review my list and apply the necessary magic to make some things happen I would greatly appreciate it... Much Thanks!

The Things I Want to see for Christmas:

1. I would like for married men to stop lurking online and pretending they are single when they know good and hell well they aren’t, becuz they have no desire to leave the comforts of married life but instead just want to run up in some weak-minded internet addict, who actually thinks its ok to sleep with another woman's man... and Santa bridle their tongue's so they don’t use that same excuse of "if she was doing what she was supposed to do at home, he wouldn’t creep around...." because Santa, baby you know that is nothing but LIES, he would still mess around regardless of what she does...point blank!!!

2. I would like for men to realize its not cute to wear skinny jeans, tight T-shirts and those gay ass white belts... that’s just way too cunt... If you wear an XL shirt.. Don’t squeeze into a medium thinking tight is cute... ITS NOT.. I don’t wanna see your nipples poking me in the eyes or your jeans splitting your nutts in half as you walk around Target shopping for toothpaste... oh! and lip gloss is for girls... nuff said!

3. Santa, and this is a big one... what I would like for Christmas is to see women ( yes Im coming for you too) with extra long cleavage to realize that its not always a good thing for full exposure of all that cleavage. Just becuz you have it, does not mean the who world wants to see it. Breasts are common, all women have them ( and some men too) so unleash your puppies for you significant other... not the world.. remember one day, you may have kids that will run across your "ho-antics" later in life...

4. I would like for brothas with overly endowed penis parts to understand that you cannot just shove those things inside someone... Santa, you know for yourself, those things can take your breathe!!! Especially if too much pressure is applied in the first insertion. (I'm just saying...) Large penis parts should be inserted smoothly and slowly at first until all parties are comfortable with the application of such hoses... and for the boys who receive, I need them to understand that if you are tight, sometimes clinching down on the dick does hurt... exhale techniques should be applied when you are getting a penis pushed in your guts... If you cannot accommodate the size and girth of the appendage, then you should not be playing with us big boys... stay in the kiddie pool please...

5. Santa, This is for the rim jocks... I would like them to know, if you plan to have your cakes snacked on... PLEASE for the love of goodness, make sure they are spotless... clear of debris, scents and all other dingleberries that may be lingering... No one wants to take a dive in a cesspool... Oh! and make sure you don’t have any forms of gas...nuff said...

6. Finally, Santa... the last thing I want for Christmas is for the label whores... If your rent isn’t paid, your car note is not covered and or your lights are about to be disconnected... you should not be buying designer Anything... what you need to be designing is a plan to cover your financial bases...

Thank You Santa... Have a merry Christmas...!

P.s.- Oh! and last year, your reindeer pooped on my roof. So, in case it happens again, Im going need you to bring a pooper scooper with you this time...

Serving Sexy, whats your flavor?

Festivites Family and Faggotry... Ugh!

In the aftermath of another Thanksgiving holiday, a brotha feels the need to release... When you mix the combination of family and festivities, there's always bound to be some mess... in this case, the mess wasn't present during the celebrating but rather an internal combustion within me. Let me explain...

For those of us that are "in the life" you may be able to relate, and anyone else reading this blog, I hope you can at least empathize. As each holiday season rolls around, my family always has one centralized location where we all come together and do our thing... all the "stuff" that has transpired between us during the previous months seems to evaporate and we all wear this great mask of jovial elation... we smile, grin and pretend... oh well it works, and if ain't broke, don't fix it, right???

However, as each year passes and the tradition continues, situations are changing. I'm getting older, more settled, a little more stubborn and a bit more restless with the fact that I'm not out to my family... (why does it matter? you may ask.. the answer is I don't know, but it does and that may be a separate counseling session... oh the hell well..)

As I make my entrance into my fathers house, I'm gradually greeted with the same "hello's" " how ya been's" etc. etc. but one thing that I am noticing this year, among the sea of regulars, are the increased amount of new faces bobbing throughout the room... Its not that I have a problem with all the injections of new people, it truly doesn't bother me one way or the other because my placement in the family is firmly stapled.

buuuuuuuuuuut YES, I wanna bring a new face to the family, I wanna introduce my man, or whom ever I may be dating or just sleeping with, whatever the situation is... I wanna introduce a new face to the crowd too, without the side eye looks and separate room conversations filled with "who is that man with ...." Although, I know the deal and in this room full of past and current sinners, I would easily become the plague of society if I walked into the room with a man on my arm. These same folks; the alcoholics, druggies, liars, un-wed mothers and men that have frequently committed adultery, would be the same ones to grab their sanctified robes and cast me to the pits of hell for practicing homosexuality... Ironic huh! seems like No sin is greater than the sin of sexuality...

I've found it almost repulsive that for me, the holidays always give birth to this idea of coming out the closet... ( a term which I also hate becuz it insinuates that I've been locked away somewhere) Holidays and drama seem to go hand and hand and I'm now wondering which one is going to be my destined selection to say " see me, love me..." and announce to my kindred sinners ( and I know I might get in trouble for saying homosexuality is a sin, but if you read the word of God, you know it is...) "I too, am just like you.." A sin is a sin... homosexuality, alcoholism, pre-marital sex, lying, cheating, stealing... all of it is sin... and yours makes u no better than me...

I'm sharing this in hopes that someone else, has experienced this situation and maybe can shed some insight? If not, its cool, I know its my cross to bear and I carry it with honor in the hopes that one day my journey towards achieving something so simple, will stop being so hard...

It really is Getting Late...