Sexy Supermodel Sunday

Silenced No More: My Life and Times Chptr. 2 A Child Listens

Tonight, I was so anxious to watch this Lifetime movie.. (yes Lifetime dammit) called Prayers for Bobby... If anyone knows me.. from the title alone the puzzle will be easily pieced together...

So as the story goes this young man, came into his sexuality raised in a devote religious home, he was preached to repeatedly that the essence of who he was, was actually a sin. He battled with trying to conform to the expectations of his family and friends but it just never seemed to feel "right". He confessed that he thought something was wrong with him but the more he spoke the words into existence the more he strayed to the real calling of his heart.. Eventually after moving away and finding the type of love he was comfortable with.. Bobby returned home, he came out about his relationship and it was not welcomed...Soon after, Bobby jumped off a freeway bridge.. and it was then.. that his presence was most missed.. Whew!...

I have said it a thousand times over, people don’t truly appreciate someone until they are dead and gone. One only learns the meaning of real love, when it is taken away.. and the value of a person is not defined by their sexuality... but rather it is measured by their character.. These are simple words that are so difficult for the world to accept...but maybe one day.. unconditional love... agape love will be understood!

The thing that amazed me the most about this movie is how so many of it's pivotal points subtly struck home with me.. (catch it) . There was one moment in the movie when Bobby was planning to take a bottle of pills but couldn’t go through with it because he was taught suicide was a sin. Also, he didn’t want to compile that sin with the sin of his sexuality. Hunnnnnnnnnnney... I felt like I was starring in The Butterfly Effect because I flashed back to that Saturday afternoon when I was in the 5th grade and I went to the medicine cabinet, grabbed a bottle of my fathers' meds and popped down 4 or 5 pills... not for sexuality reasons but because I was so frightened of getting it trouble with my parents for cutting up on the school bus... Imagine that.. 5th grader, ready to end his life over childhood normalcy but God blocked it... (Thank Ya Lawd) and as he brought me to it.. he brought me through it...

My intent in these blogs of my life is to make a difference for someone else. I hope with this one that we realize the enormous amounts of pressure we lay on our next generations. The expectations of being perfect people always doing the right thing, it is just overwhelming.. Instead of accepting the imperfections, as parents and adults we chastise and try to mold our kids into carbon copied replicas of our failed dreams. Folks that know me will attest to my love of children... I am one that will not physically discipline a child, and I can witness to you.. physical reprimand does nothing but rupture the relationship and parental bond... The parent that disciplines will always be second best to the parent that looks for other alternatives to discipline.

There is something to be said for listening, teaching and talking to your child...would you want to be hit..HELL NAW! So yes, spanking.. is hitting.. point blank! But back to my point, 2009 is going to be a year of change.. I have promised myself to work on me.. to love me and to not hide in the shadows of anyone’s expectations. I encourage anyone whose' eye glaze this blog to grab your destiny and work to embrace the blessing the Lord has for you.. Im not going to get preachy, but the word says " Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; and blessed is the man that trusteth in him.."~Psalm 34:8 I don’t know about you but I trust.. and if nothing else has brought me through a many storms.. it is prayer... go to the Lord claiming your blessing, speak it into existence and understand that the blessing may not come when you want.. but it will be right on time! (sermon over.)

I will also leave you with this, because I felt it was one of the more powerful things I heard tonight.. When we go through life passing judgement on others, throwing stones because someone isn’t living up to the expectations we have buried them in... when you choose to ignore a cry for help and turn away when someone obviously just needs a hug and someone to listen to their voide... when we get caught up in all the things that make us cold and shady.. Remember this... a child is watching.. a child is listening and a child is learning from the example you are giving...

Silenced No More: My Life and Times Chptr 1 Intro

I haven't taken the time to write a blog in forever, so read at your own risk. In the wake of our God Blessed political CHANGE, I felt an overwhelming urge to purge myself of some plain old" stuff". As I take a deep *sigh* and ponder how deep I want this to go, I'll only ask that you lend patience to this blog as I muddle through the thoughts in my head. Thoughts of my living, loving, heartbreak, heartache and everything in between have seen fit to take refuge in my already clustered mind… ( be warned, I might ramble a bit… but its so worth reading )

Lately, whenever I'm alone I find myself wrestling with my thoughts… sometimes I even scare myself with the why's and what if's my mind does create. I often time think I was born at the wrong time because if I've learned nothing else about myself, it's this… I am truly an old soul trapped in a young world… the things that a normal 35 year old black man would find enjoyment in... Truly bore me… I'm not a club hopper… not a party man.. Definitely not a lush, a circuit boy or socialite... I find so much joy in the company of me… I don't need a "him" or a "them" to keep me happy… I often times wonder if it's from the endless days of chaos I survived as a child... (hmmmm… I'm sure the minds are starting to wonder...) just never judge a book by its cover... trust me we all have family skeletons… and the most functional family is often times the most dysfunctional family… that's not a sob story nor is it an excuse- its rather a simple fact of life…

Its's funny how as adults we end up mimicking the things we saw as a child… behaviors are truly learned from the foundation of family… (For the parents that stumble across this blog, remember this… All the things you think have been cleverly coded and masked from the eyes of your kids… are not hidden... Your children see and hear everything. When you least expect it, there will be a reaction in them... Be it 10 years old or 30 years old... it will surface and return to haunt your lives…
I have had the pleasure of spending many days in the company of my thoughts... Analyzing many of choices, pondering why's… did I get any answers??? Hell no! But it felt good trying… the song writers says "sometimes you have to encourage yourself'… I have embraced that sentiment time and time again… through every hurdle I know there has to be a reason why I'm still here... Even when giving in seems like the most rational thing… God speaks to me and gives me reason to exist… (Ok, I did tear up right there.. sorry! ) It is truly my testimony that… I know God loves me in spite of and not because of… perfect, no way.. But blessed every day! I know I got a blessing with my name on it!

A few years ago, death crept into my life and changed everything about me… everything that was me evaporated and I had to find a new way to carry on…. I find myself reflecting... Specifically around this time of year, on the happiness holidays would bring… I remember the joys and elation of childhood innocence.. I remember the bonds of family; unfortunately, those times are now left to be appreciated through fading photographs... Death will change you like nothing else.. Do you ever heal from it… NOPE… and only those that have experienced it understand the void it creates…

If your still with me at this point, let me just thank you! I hope I'm not boring you to bits… In this new age of emails and text messages, it seems we are so caught up in the hustle of life; we can't stop to find value in the smallest things… I learned that sometimes the most satisfaction can come from the smallest bits of sincerity, and genuine love of each other... When was the last time you said "I love you" … when was the last time you called someone and said… "I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hello…" When was the last time you reached out first instead of waiting for someone else to reach for you…? Is it sappy? Maybe.. But who really cares about being sappy…

I've often found it odd how we can be so kind and gracious to strangers on the street (not that we shouldn't) but when we get home we can't even embrace our own… Pride can be such an ugly thing; it will block us from accomplishing so much in life… I am reminded of Patti La Belles' book called… "Don't block your Blessing"… What are you doing to block the blessings in your life? I know one of my biggest flaws was trying to please everyone around me… and left with an emptiness from not making myself happy... is that selfish? Hmmm... Who knows? It's such a fine line to walk… Personally, I truly think it's situational…

I am now at a point in life, 35 years in the making, where I'm finally getting comfortable with who I am…. Working to improve the poor choices and be a better man. Does that mean I'm doing everything the right way… Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Hardly but I'm trying.. Definitely a work in progress… but its progress none the less… and I won't hinder that… I've learned to stay in my lane and know my elements… in other words I mind my business and work on me… In the words of the old church mothers.. "Pray my strength and I'll pray yours..."

Place a bee hive on my grave,And let the honey, soak through… When I'm, dead and gone… That's what I… want from you…

Tear

I didn't think I still had anything left in me, because I had practiced so diligently at being stone... Void of emotions and feelings just a go hard, no nonsense type of brotha ... I really didn't care anymore and nothing seemed to matter.. U were gone, we were thru and it was done... so I shed a tear...

In the reality of this world we've created, men don't cry.. I mean, we walk through life as a blank canvas with no color or expression and nothing that moves the soul.. At least that's what I thought, its just simply what I was taught, you get hurt, you dust it off and you move on... Until you get the taste of that tear...

You knew that I knew... and in the midst of you not trying to hurt me, you ended up destroying me more, desecrating the concepts of friendship, loyalty and respect... What was that I really did again??? Over and over... cyclone funnels of drama, mess, lies, drama, mess ,lies.. Drama.. Mess.. Lies... Maybe it was all purposed, who knows? A directly calculated maneuver of repayment.. the result... just a single flesh burning tear...

I accepted my rage, I acknowledge my pain, but I loathed the contempt that was left floating like a cloudy film of oil over crystal clear water... I do take ownership for my mistakes... I mean, we've all got scars, from the shoulda, woulda, coulda's... But imagine acid slowing dripping into a wound you thought was healed, yea thats feeling.. It mimics me perfectly.... All I could do was watch the devastating crumble of me, when there were no tears..no pain.. It just endured... I, endured... until today...When I shockingly shed a tear...

See, its from the idea that through it all, we were supposed to be better.. You said you had my back,... you said you would be there.. You said.... You said.. Well you know what you said.... And ignorantly I believed you ... even after all of it.. I still believed you.. and That's why I cant loose this thing, that bore my tear... This.. this..this insane thing that I have to carry, when you knew all along what was really real... And you abused it.. You raped my state of mind..and left me emotionally naked and bleeding alone in this world... guess I deserved it huh.. I did make my heart readily available... but even when given the opportunity to do it the right way.. You did it this way.. Your way.. Always the low way... the only way.. Option never priority... and here I am left with a tear...

A symbolic remembrance of trying... struggling..accepting.. Overlooking..Pretending... and even loving... yea..ironic isn't it.. Still loving you... maybe it's the idea of it... wallowing in it, dancing in it.. Stepping boldly through it..

So, when gazing back at the strength of your own reflection.. I want you to vividly see the times when your eyes met mine... and see how much of you was in me and how I was in you... feel my embrace.. my breathe on your neck... Hear my laugh, remember your grin, taste our kiss and focus on that photo of us trapped in time... Because it's all those things I once had, that are nowcaptured by one tear... that's slowly searing its way down the curves of my face....

Who Knew Raheem so was handsome....????

I know that Homo aint Preaching....

In the spirit of keeping sunday a Holy day, I thought maybe today would be a great time to exercise this blog that has been resting in the back of my mind. Before I get into the meat of the subject let me first throw this disclaimer out there: " this blog in no way displays my personal feelings on this subject, nor is the intent to point finger at any one individual but rather give light and gather insight on the subject as a whole... Lastly, I am not out to attack, pass judgement or drag anyone through the mud... its your life and you do what you do..."
Now, with that said... I've noticed that there are two things quickly growing within the gay community...not that they weren't always there, it just seems now folks are getting bolder... what is that you may say..hmmmm.. Homosexual pastors, ministers, preachers...and to compound that issue, they are also married, in some cases with children...

I have always had a personal battle with religion and sexuality as many of you may already know, but this just blows my mind.. I understand that religious leaders are human too and I totally "get" that they fall short of the word of God... BUT when you assume a position of authority and leadership, especially in the church, shouldn't you be an example, of some sorts... ??? Shouldn't the way you live your life and conduct yourself be in such a way that people should look at you with respect???
I find it so unsettling that these men (especially in the black gay community) assume this position behind the pulpit every sunday spouting what the word of God says, and then later that same day, they are snuggled up with their man on the side while the wife and family is at home... I'm sorry folks but I personally have a problem with that...

So, I'm wondering how you feel about it? What if you found out your religious leader was living a double life? What if you found out he was sneaking around sleeping with men, parading around online deeply enveloping in the Gay life style??? Would it bother you? or would you celebrate the admission of his sexuality after the years of lies and deceit? Are we too accepting when it comes to "straight" men acknowledging their sexuality after making a mess of the lives if his wife and kids? Has it become ok, to marry, lead the church and be homosexual???
Talk to me folks and tell me whats on your mind?? I'm curious to know....

Simplee gets a Bentley for christmas....

Allow me to Introduce my son... Bentley... Man's best friend!

Usher Sings in the Rain....

Winter Warming... arent They are heating things up!

When I Came for Santa, this is what I said!

Dear Santa,

It's been a long year, I've seen a lot, I've done a lot (good and bad) and been through a lot. I know this is the time of year where kids send you a long ass list of stuff their parents cant afford... but I thought maybe you could hook a brotha up and grant a few Christmas wishes based on my experiences throughout this year...If you could review my list and apply the necessary magic to make some things happen I would greatly appreciate it... Much Thanks!

The Things I Want to see for Christmas:

1. I would like for married men to stop lurking online and pretending they are single when they know good and hell well they aren’t, becuz they have no desire to leave the comforts of married life but instead just want to run up in some weak-minded internet addict, who actually thinks its ok to sleep with another woman's man... and Santa bridle their tongue's so they don’t use that same excuse of "if she was doing what she was supposed to do at home, he wouldn’t creep around...." because Santa, baby you know that is nothing but LIES, he would still mess around regardless of what she does...point blank!!!

2. I would like for men to realize its not cute to wear skinny jeans, tight T-shirts and those gay ass white belts... that’s just way too cunt... If you wear an XL shirt.. Don’t squeeze into a medium thinking tight is cute... ITS NOT.. I don’t wanna see your nipples poking me in the eyes or your jeans splitting your nutts in half as you walk around Target shopping for toothpaste... oh! and lip gloss is for girls... nuff said!

3. Santa, and this is a big one... what I would like for Christmas is to see women ( yes Im coming for you too) with extra long cleavage to realize that its not always a good thing for full exposure of all that cleavage. Just becuz you have it, does not mean the who world wants to see it. Breasts are common, all women have them ( and some men too) so unleash your puppies for you significant other... not the world.. remember one day, you may have kids that will run across your "ho-antics" later in life...

4. I would like for brothas with overly endowed penis parts to understand that you cannot just shove those things inside someone... Santa, you know for yourself, those things can take your breathe!!! Especially if too much pressure is applied in the first insertion. (I'm just saying...) Large penis parts should be inserted smoothly and slowly at first until all parties are comfortable with the application of such hoses... and for the boys who receive, I need them to understand that if you are tight, sometimes clinching down on the dick does hurt... exhale techniques should be applied when you are getting a penis pushed in your guts... If you cannot accommodate the size and girth of the appendage, then you should not be playing with us big boys... stay in the kiddie pool please...

5. Santa, This is for the rim jocks... I would like them to know, if you plan to have your cakes snacked on... PLEASE for the love of goodness, make sure they are spotless... clear of debris, scents and all other dingleberries that may be lingering... No one wants to take a dive in a cesspool... Oh! and make sure you don’t have any forms of gas...nuff said...

6. Finally, Santa... the last thing I want for Christmas is for the label whores... If your rent isn’t paid, your car note is not covered and or your lights are about to be disconnected... you should not be buying designer Anything... what you need to be designing is a plan to cover your financial bases...

Thank You Santa... Have a merry Christmas...!

P.s.- Oh! and last year, your reindeer pooped on my roof. So, in case it happens again, Im going need you to bring a pooper scooper with you this time...