I haven't taken the time to write a blog in forever, so read at your own risk. In the wake of our God Blessed political CHANGE, I felt an overwhelming urge to purge myself of some plain old" stuff". As I take a deep *sigh* and ponder how deep I want this to go, I'll only ask that you lend patience to this blog as I muddle through the thoughts in my head. Thoughts of my living, loving, heartbreak, heartache and everything in between have seen fit to take refuge in my already clustered mind… ( be warned, I might ramble a bit… but its so worth reading )
Lately, whenever I'm alone I find myself wrestling with my thoughts… sometimes I even scare myself with the why's and what if's my mind does create. I often time think I was born at the wrong time because if I've learned nothing else about myself, it's this… I am truly an old soul trapped in a young world… the things that a normal 35 year old black man would find enjoyment in... Truly bore me… I'm not a club hopper… not a party man.. Definitely not a lush, a circuit boy or socialite... I find so much joy in the company of me… I don't need a "him" or a "them" to keep me happy… I often times wonder if it's from the endless days of chaos I survived as a child... (hmmmm… I'm sure the minds are starting to wonder...) just never judge a book by its cover... trust me we all have family skeletons… and the most functional family is often times the most dysfunctional family… that's not a sob story nor is it an excuse- its rather a simple fact of life…
Its's funny how as adults we end up mimicking the things we saw as a child… behaviors are truly learned from the foundation of family… (For the parents that stumble across this blog, remember this… All the things you think have been cleverly 
coded and masked from the eyes of your kids… are not hidden... Your children see and hear everything. When you least expect it, there will be a reaction in them... Be it 10 years old or 30 years old... it will surface and return to haunt your lives…
I have had the pleasure of spending many days in the company of my thoughts... Analyzing many of choices, pondering why's… did I get any answers??? Hell no! But it felt good trying… the song writers says "sometimes you have to encourage yourself'… I have embraced that sentiment time and time again… through every hurdle I know there has to be a reason why I'm still here... Even when giving in seems like the most rational thing… God speaks to me and gives me reason to exist… (Ok, I did tear up right there.. sorry! ) It is truly my testimony that… I know God loves me in spite of and not because of… perfect, no way.. But blessed every day! I know I got a blessing with my name on it!
coded and masked from the eyes of your kids… are not hidden... Your children see and hear everything. When you least expect it, there will be a reaction in them... Be it 10 years old or 30 years old... it will surface and return to haunt your lives…I have had the pleasure of spending many days in the company of my thoughts... Analyzing many of choices, pondering why's… did I get any answers??? Hell no! But it felt good trying… the song writers says "sometimes you have to encourage yourself'… I have embraced that sentiment time and time again… through every hurdle I know there has to be a reason why I'm still here... Even when giving in seems like the most rational thing… God speaks to me and gives me reason to exist… (Ok, I did tear up right there.. sorry! ) It is truly my testimony that… I know God loves me in spite of and not because of… perfect, no way.. But blessed every day! I know I got a blessing with my name on it!
A few years ago, death crept into my life and changed everything about me… everything that was me evaporated and I had to find a new way to carry on…. I find myself reflecting... Specifically around this time of year, on the happiness holidays would bring… I remember the joys and elation of childhood innocence.. I remember the bonds of family; unfortunately, those times are now left to be appreciated through fading photographs... Death will change you like nothing else.. Do you ever heal from it… NOPE… and only those that have experienced it understand the void it creates…
If your still with me at this point, let me just thank you! I hope I'm not boring you to bits… In this new age of emails and text messages, it seems we are so caught up in the hustle of life; we can't stop to find value in the smallest things… I learned that sometimes the most satisfaction can come from the smallest bits of sincerity, and genuine love of each other... When was the last time you said "I love you" … when was the last time you called someone and said… "I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hello…" When was the last time you reached out first instead of waiting for someone else to reach for you…? Is it sappy? Maybe.. But who really cares about being sappy…
I've often found it odd how we can be so kind and gracious to strangers on the street (not that we shouldn't) but when we get home we can't even embrace our own… Pride can be such an ugly thing; it will block us from accomplishing so much in life… I am reminded of Patti La Belles' book called… "Don't block your Blessing"… What are you doing to block the blessings in your life? I know one of my biggest flaws was trying to please everyone around me… and left with an emptiness from not making myself happy... is that selfish? Hmmm... Who knows? It's such a fine line to walk… Personally, I truly think it's situational…
I am now at a point in life, 35 years in the making, where I'm finally getting comfortable with who I am…. Working to improve the poor choices and be a better man. Does that mean I'm doing everything the right way… Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Hardly but I'm trying.. Definitely a work in progress… but its progress none the less… and I won't hinder that… I've learned to stay in my lane and know my elements… in other words I mind my business and work on me… In the words of the old church mothers.. "Pray my strength and I'll pray yours..."
Place a bee hive on my grave,And let the honey, soak through… When I'm, dead and gone… That's what I… want from you…
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